This is a difficult post to write – the most difficult one I’ve ever written, in fact. And my mouse is poised over the ‘Post’ button as I sit here thinking… You shouldn’t really have to share this kind of thing with the world, because ideally it shouldn’t happen. But, after much reflection, I can see it’s the only way of ensuring that I can get on with my life properly and put a particularly distressing episode behind me – an episode not of my own making, but one that is giving me sleepless nights, keeping me from Twitter and email, and – well – simply making my life miserable. The fact that this post has taken an entire day to write, and now totals over 5,000 words (I know – but please give it fifteen minutes, if you can), should give you a good idea of how much it has affected me.
It’s also a kind of liberation, a setting straight of the records and a chance for others to see that life doesn’t have to be the way it is, that bullies don’t win – and that you should treat people with respect whilst ensuring that they do the same to you. You shouldn’t have to put up with vile rumours being spread about you online or off – it’s not right. You know that, and so do I.
[ a note before I start ] If you are being bullied online, check out this page for legal information and advice: http://cyberbullying.us/blog/advice-for-adult-victims-of-cyberbullying.html . Also check the local laws in your country and the country of the person harassing you – you’ll surely have contacts or can ask someone for a suitable recommendation. Note also that it is illegal to harass, victimise, threaten, bully or blackmail people on Twitter, by email or any other electronic means. Tweets, emails, etc. which display this behaviour are just cause for launching a criminal investigation and can lead to criminal prosecution. If this is happening (or has happened) to you, you should seek legal advice. December 17th this year is Anti-Bullying Day – maybe you can help someone? And, having said that, here’s my story…
What would you do if you received a flurry of emails from someone, one of which said they hoped you had a massive stroke and then died slowly and painfully from terminal cancer whilst recovering in hospital? What if the same person tried to blackmail you into talking on the phone? What if the same person threatened to make your life a misery everywhere you go? What if that person defamed members of your family that they had never even met? And what if they were spreading malicious gossip about you to people they meet at conferences and events? What would you do? How would you feel? If you’re ready, here’s the punchline right at the beginning – and, before you go elswehere, can I just make entirely sure that you understand that this is real, not some kind of pastiche – this is happening to me, and it could equally happen to you one day.
My name’s Gavin and I’m being bullied online.
There, I said it – and at first glance it may seem a little humorous that a man in his mid-forties would claim such a thing, but that’s the plain truth of the matter. It might even seem a bit shameful to you, and you may be tempted to turn away now and go somewhere else for your news, but I urge you to read this because it may be useful to you at some point in your online life. And, if you read the article linked above, you’ll see I’m not alone. My apologies also to those of you who have been tempted over here because you’re expecting the usual diet of iPad, iPhone, SL and technology-related fare.
But, you see, this is serious. So serious that today I am on the verge of going to the police to have them investigate the following charges: stalking, cyberbullying, defamation of character and blackmail. I suspect I may have your attention now…
In fact, I’ll go a little further than simply saying I’m being bullied – I’m being bullied, stalked and blackmailed online, and I have the documentation to prove it. So vitriolic have been the attacks that I’ve been forced to print out nearly a year’s worth of email and Twitter messages and lodge them with my lawyer, just in case something happens. When you receive emails hoping that you will soon have a heart attack and then get diagnosed with terminal cancer whilst recovering in hospital, you have to wonder if that person really means you any physical harm as well…
And the person in question hasn’t just chosen me over the past year (though I understand I’ve been the recipient of the nastiest materials) – several people have (unbidden) asked me what they’ve done to attract the sort of attack that they’ve suffered, and I can’t really understand it. Two people have been forced off Twitter by this person and so it goes on. And silence reigns because nobody wants to break it and, perhaps, attract more attention. That’s how bullies thrive – we know this from the playground. The difference, of course, is that it’s easier online because it’s harder to know what’s going on, and it’s more difficult to break the silence. And, of course, unless you have a lot of good friends, it’s hard to know what’s being said about you. Fortunately, I do have such friends (and I do know what’s being said), and I also have a large folder of evidence that refutes each and every shred of the vile story.
But I’m not prepared to suffer in silence anymore, so I thought it might help some of you if I told my story – it might also act as a salutary warning to some of you, too.
When I first met this person online I thought they were fun to talk to – similar interests, similar annoyances (mostly) and we spent quite a bit of time chatting, mostly on Twitter. You know how it is when you enjoy someone’s conversation? And of course as you spend more time chatting to someone, the more you reveal about yourself and your life. You do this quite naturally, it’s normal to share thoughts and experiences with people you trust. And I’m one of those people who does trust others online, as I try to be as lacking in suspicion as I can, both online and off. And mostly that works for me – I’ve met plenty of good people online and some of them are now very good friends in real life. In fact of the hundreds of people I’ve met online in the past fifteen years, only two have turned out to be, shall we say, difficult.
And so I joked and laughed and shared my life with another of my online friends.
But at some point this person decided that they’d fallen for me, and that was when things went very, very wrong. Despite the fact that I informed them immediately that I was sorry, but I didn’t share those feelings, the emails and DMs kept coming. Could we meet? The answer to that was ‘no’, because I was aware that a meeting would only inspire some kind of hope that this would bloom into something it was never going to be. Didn’t I realise that I was simply in denial? Again, the answer from my side was ‘no’. And even the classic ‘your words say ‘no’ but everything else says ‘yes” – and there’s an excuse that men have been using for years. To find myself on the receiving end of that was extremely alarming, to say the least. And still I said ‘no’.
Then the nastiness started.
I was told I was wrong to have led this person on. I never did, of course – sure, we laughed and joked and shared conversation online, but there’s a huge difference between that and actively expressing a sentimental interest in someone – and there was none, there never was. I can say this quite assuredly, because the same person, in a moment of clarity, admitted by email that they had misinterpreted the signs, and admitted that it had all been in their own head. I even got an apology for what that is worth. It’s all in the paperwork sitting in my lawyer’s office.
I was told I was a serial online predator, leading innocent victims on and then dropping them at the last moment – and so on, and so forth. And this was where I made my first mistake – by continuing to engage with this person. And so, for the past few months, I have been subjected to a barrage of ‘hot and cold’ emails: some of them tell me how lovely I am and how I’m just not seeing what’s in front of my eyes. They tell me that we were meant to be, that I feel the same things, that if only I would just admit it to myself, then the world would be alright.
There was a time when I tried to ignore things, but somehow – and this is how it all happens – you always think that you will be able to reason with someone. Tell them you’re sorry – but they were mistaken. Ask them to simply try to get over what they feel and get on with their life, to give you back yours. But of course, you simply make it worse. Because they thrive on the attention and the answers. And, I suspect, if you’re responding, there’s always a glimmer of hope, no matter how faint it may burn.
And each time I make it clear that there is nothing to talk about, and then the other kinds of emails arrive…. they call me a ‘ f*****g toad’, a ‘liar’, ‘a bully’ and much, much worse… It’s worth noting that this name-calling has become progressively worse, more violent, couched in increasingly aggressive terms and tones. A family member, who is currently not well, has been attacked in an email to me (presumably guilty ‘by association’?) they accuse me of leading people on and – more recently – they wish me to die in agony in a hospital bed. There have been professional insults, too – and plenty of snide remarks online, and people have been told the sad tale of woe, of how the ‘f*****g toad’ supposedly acted.
I’m just lucky, I know, that none of my real friends or professional contacts would believe a word of it – they know me properly, and well. One or two of them have heard the stories, of course, and passed that information back to me. And I thank you for your concern, and I appreciate that you give it no credence, because we have history, shared lives and shared work and we know the value of real friendships too well to pass them over on the back of malicious gossip. That, to me, embodies all that is good about my dispersed network of friends. When we hear stories about friends, I suspect we all naturally judge the storyteller and work out the potential veracity of their story against what we know of the person being talked about. In many ways it’s a classic tussle, and my good friends have proven this point amply in the past few weeks. Again, my sincere thanks. And my thanks to those who have provided legal advice, too, on how to deal with this.
It’s worth reiterating, at this point, that I have ample material in plain black and white, all safely tucked away for a particularly rainy day – ample enough to show that the real story is considerably different. That I am sincerely being stalked, bullied, blackmailed, maligned, defamed and a whole lot more. As is my wont, I’ve helped this person with a job application, I’ve edited an article for them prior to submission and I’ve provided technical support on occasions. You’ll think me stupid, that all I’ve done is encourage them – but those of you who know me will know that I rarely say ‘no’ to a request for help. Though I’m now revising that modus operandi. And, as a result of all this, I now look suspiciously at every friend request on Facebook and every follow on Twitter. Nobody should have to live like this.
So, here’s the question. How much would you take in similar circumstances?
This last week has been hell, and the final straw, and that’s why everything is with my lawyer – including the admission of blackmail which arrived last Friday. I was being ordered to have a phone conversation with this person, to ‘apologise’ for my behaviour – something I was not willing to do, because I wasn’t responsible for any of the pain and suffering this person claimed to be enduring.
My blackmailer made it very clear that this is what would happen if I failed to pander to their demands: photos of some of my DMs would be published online, perhaps even emails, who knows? Despite the obvious problems with the legality of such a course of action (and possible criminal action on my part) you do find yourself checking those DMs and emails to see what you might have said to your ‘friend’ over a year. But then you realise that actually, it’s not important. Anyone who you consider a friend knows you well enough to know that you’re an affable sort of person, friendly, helpful, hard-working and the rest. You volunteer and help out, you always answer queries from people and help where you can, you do your work to the highest standards you can… Certainly you’ve made some mistakes in your life, but who hasn’t? Anyone worth calling themselves a friend of yours wouldn’t pay attention to this kind of despicable behaviour, and so you begin to relax and think about the situation a little more clearly. So, why did I let it go on so long (and why do you)?
The answer. my friends, is simple. We live in fear of people sharing the information we shared with them, with other people. It’s like your own potential personal Wikileaks Armageddon. But life doesn’t have to be like this. I’ve seen friendships survive the odd argument, disagreement and throwaway line. I’ve seen them survive more than that. As I have been forgiven for making the odd rude or hurtful comment, so I have forgiven. This is part of being an adult – of respecting boundaries and learning how to act when we cross those boundaries.
So, looking through the DMs and emails, I can see we’ve had the odd laugh over someone’s behaviour online, over other aspects of people’s lives – as you do – but there’s nothing I wouldn’t say to those people face-to-face, given the right moment, and nothing I haven’t already written in my blog at some point. I don’t muchly care either if anyone ‘discovers’ I’ve indulged in ‘cyber sex’ in Second Life at some point in the past six years – I’m open to discussing that with anyone and everyone – I mention it here, because I happened to mention it in passing once to my bully, and I’d hate to think they might feel that was a useful weapon against me, because it’s not. You’d be hard-pushed to find someone who hadn’t indulged in a bit of ‘cyber sex’ in Second Life at some point in the past six years. At one point it was the only thing to do (apart from gambling), and almost part of the Terms of Service – and even if you haven’t, I’m betting you’ve had a ‘saucy’ conversation with a partner at some point when you’ve been away – perhaps on Messenger or elsewhere? I never had one of those with my bully – I include it here to remind you all that these things can be quite normal and are no reason to succumb to blackmail. The rest is simply chat – the kind you have with someone you consider (however erroneously) a friend.
When my blackmailer ordered me to get on the phone and apologise, I decided to take matters into my own hands and that’s when I went to a lawyer and committed everything to his safekeeping. The tone of the blackmail email was extremely disturbing, threatening. An email full of ‘you will’… threats and orders. Not an email from someone who believes (as they have stated in so much of the correspondence) that they made a mistake in their understanding of our friendship. No, this was an email of violence and extortion – and frankly, it scared the living daylights out of me. I’ve re-read every single communication I’ve had this with person and I’m fine with it all. I never led them on, I never promised anything and I never went back on that promise. The rest, as they have so clearly admitted time and time again in the barrage of emails, was imagined or ‘interpreted’. I’m sorry they thought that was reality, but it wasn’t – and I never said it was. Not once.
And so here is where I’m at with all this. I’m shocked, I’m disturbed… to be honest I’m a little bit afraid. How far do people who do this kind of thing go? What will they do to get what they believe is theirs, or what they believe they deserve? And, perhaps more than anything, I’m completely abhorred that someone would treat another human being the way I have been treated recently. I’m saddened that people feel they can trample over other people, saddened that they would violate the normal rules of human communication and respect. I’m finding it hard to put into words exactly how I feel, but perhaps you’re getting the idea by now?
My blackmailer is free to do whatever they like, of course, within the bounds of the legal system and their own moral code. Before they do that, however, I would urge them to re-read the emails they’ve sent me over the past months – the threats, the apologies, the recognition of their misinterpretation of the nature of our friendship, the blackmail threats and the rest. To stick them all in order and read them as they will look to an outsider – then decide how the police, their employer and anyone else will interpret them. How will the six emails in a day look – half of them sweetness and light, half of them threatening and full of menace? What will that say to people?
If they do decide to break the sanctity of private conversation then they may get a short-lived buzz, but the long-term result will almost certainly be that nobody will have anything to do with them anymore, and nobody will certainly ever trust them again. Conversations may well be reduced to work or factual statements, if there are any at all. Perhaps there will be no more acquaintances and no more friends, either online or off. At conferences and events people almost certainly won’t want to be in their company, and they certainly won’t want to be talking when they’re near, just in case. They’ll potentialyl be reducing themself to a social pariah, shunned at every opportunity. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but sometimes you simply can’t reason with people..
That may not be important to them – this is what they’ve told me, and I have to believe them. I also have to believe, then, that they will do anything to legitimise their illegal and threatening behaviour over the past few months, so I’m forewarned, and so is my lawyer. The evidence I have gathered will find its way to everyone I know and everyone they know. The blackmail confirmation email and all the threats and the vile rumours will find their way to the police, and the entire dossier with its disgusting contents will find its way to their employer. The same will happen should I succumb to the much desired heart attack and fatal cancer that is wished upon me from a distance. I won’t be bullied not even when I’m dead…
My friendships and reputation will survive anything that can be thrown at them (real or invented) – the big question is, will theirs? Will their job survive when it’s discovered that they’re being investigated for potential stalking, admitted blackmail and unsavoury emails about my dying in agony, and defamation of a family member? Will they be able to live with themself after that? I know I will, and so will my circle of friends. How much do they want the ‘revenge’ they seek against someone who has consistently simply told them that they did not want further involvement aside from professional courtesy?
And of course, if this person does go ahead and posts some of this ‘private communication’ and by any chance you feature in any of it, needless to say I’d take it with a pinch of salt if I were you – because I suspect a large part of it definitely won’t be worth the paper it was never written on (eletronic or otherwise). It may be pointless to reiterate, but someone who wishes you a long and painful death from cancer, someone who blackmails you and insults your family and someone who defames your professional reputation is probably not the best person to trust. Those of you who know me, have met me or have worked with me will know that. Anybody else, well, I’m afraid I can’t really help you decide what is right and what is wrong – you’ll just have to use your common sense and your best guess at who you’d rather trust. That’s the best I can do, I’m afraid. This is an adult world, and we must all accept our responsiblities and work out the rules of polite social behaviour.
Either way, I ask of them simply one thing: to stop contacting me, stop digging away at me in public spaces online, stop digging away at my friends, and stop spreading their vile distortion of reality to people they meet. I urge them to find a new hobby and simply enjoy life, their job and the friends they have. Is it worth wasting so much time and effort over someone they have said, in writing, they would rather see dead or dying in agony? Life is too short – I hope they move on, enjoy the positive and simply throw the negative away, because inevitably the negative will become like the cancer they wish upon me, and ultimately, it will destroy them.
And, if you, dear reader, are still reading this far down… Life has changed… we interact with many hundreds of people online who we don’t really know. Sometimes we take that conversation private – perhaps in DMs and perhaps into Skype chat or more. The big question is, do we know who we’re talking to? Do we feel confident that what we share with that person is going to go no further? In short, is that person really a friend, or merely an online acquaintance? Would we tell the same things to the person on the supermarket checkout, and – if we did – would we then regret it? Gossip has always existed, of course, but now we share our lives and our thoughts so much more easily than ten years ago.
Perhaps you’re in a similar situation to me? Perhaps someone is bullying you? Perhaps you’re wondering if you should accept the next friend request… Do we all really need to live this way? Somehow, I suspect we don’t – I’ve taken the first step here, perhaps you’d care to join me in condemning every single bully, online or off? Perhaps you’d like to see a better world, where people don’t do this kind of thing because they think they can get away with it. I know I would. I’ve had fifteen years online with a whole host of amazing people, and I’d hate to think that one person could make that trust crumble, could tear down the fabric of pretty much all the good I see in technology for people and for professional development. Perhaps some rest will bring some clarity – I’d just hate to think the world is like this, generally.
You’ll notice I’ve been very careful in this post not to name names, or even to give a hint of who that person may be. I’ve shared a few necessary bits of information to set the scene and give you enough background to understand what’s happening to me, but I’ve been careful not to break the vow I make to anyone I interact with online: and that vow is simple – if we communicate privately, by email or by DM, then those conversations are private and will remain so to my grave.
If only everyone else appreciated the human dignity of that (not to mention the legality of breaking it) then life would be a much simpler place. I’m going to finish here, but just to recap, I’d like to reiterate that nobody (regardless of age, status, etc.) deserves to be bullied or blackmailed online. You don’t have to take it lying down, and you don’t have to suffer it in silence. I’m outing myself here as a victim of that (still, mercifully, heart attack and cancer free) situation. I will not take this lying down any longer.
And as for my current legal situation, I repeat:
I am simply calling for my bully to stop contacting me by any and all means (email, Twitter, phone, etc.), stop digging away at me in public fora, stop mentioning me on Twitter, etc. and move on with their life without any involvement (direct or indirect) with me. If this does not happen within the next calendar week, if either my private or professional life continue to be dragged through the mud online or in face-to-face situations, if any of my private communications are shared online then I will instruct my lawyer to put into action the steps needed to launch a criminal investigation into online harassment, blackmail, coercion and threats to my wellbeing, as well as the insults to another member of my family. I will push for a full investigation and for bans on any and all social networks, perhaps even limits on Internet access to ensure the future safety of others (my lawyer assures me that this is well within the bounds of legitimate requests from a victim who fears violence – either physical, or mental – online or off), and I will ask for every stone to be turned over, for everyone who has been a victim to come forward and speak up, for once and for all.
The real positive here is that I am guilty of nothing more than conversing with someone I called a friend – whereas the ‘friend’ has crossed the line into criminal behaviour. And that’s how you sort out bullies – not by ignoring them, but by letting them hang themselves and then taking the evidence to the people who can do something about it.
I don’t expect anyone to actually comment on this story because it’s a difficult one to comment on, particularly when it’s a man writing (because this sort of thing doesn’t happen to men, right?) – but you may, if you have something to say, because frankly I’d love to know I’m not alone in this. I mean, I know I’m not because people talk to me online, lots of people. I know other victims, I just don’t know anyone who’s written about this in such open and frank terms.
I will not get into any discussion whatsoever with anyone as to the identity of my blackmailer, and won’t tolerate any speculation on this page (or in any other form of communication) as to who it might be. Despite all that has happened, I believe that they deserve the right to remain anonymous within my online community and my online life and within the community that we share. This anonymity disappears, however, the moment I decide enough is enough (i.e. one week from today if I spot any more of the same behaviour online, or any other ocurrences are referred back to me by my friends and colleagues) and hand everything over to the police. The same applies if I hear that somebody else I know is suffering anything like the same treatment from the individual in question. In perpetuity. That’s my final offer.
If you DO have a story to share, please do so in a civilised and thoughtful manner, with no names and no ‘clues’ and nothing that could identify any of the people involved (apart from yourself, obviously). Tell your story so that we can all learn from it, but please keep it legal, moral and ethical if you do. I will, for this post only, be moderating comments on this blog – I apologise for that, but I believe it’s necessary. Hopefully normal service will be resumed soon and I’ll be back to my usual annoying posts about luddites and all the rest. I do so look forward to that day after the past few months – and especially after the past week or so.
And to everyone else on Twitter, this blog and in my circle of friends – thanks for all the good times, which far outweigh this one bad period in my life.
Gavin
Gavin,
Thank you so much for this post. Posting it must have surely must have been one of the most difficult decisions to take. I really wish you the very best of luck and hope that this terrible time for you will be over soon. (I also assume that it can’t have been a great time for your stalker, blackmailer and hope they find happiness and move on, too.)
I left Twitter under my name of @lauraponting in the summer as someone was beginning to post things to me clearly aimed at making me unhappy. I don’t want to say more than that, really. The Twitter experience was turning horribly sour. I have never met this person, nor been anything other than friendly to them. (Including favourable comments regarding their blog site.)
On my return to Hanoi from the UK, I decided to brave Twitter again under a new name, @VictoriaB52, though without a photo. As I rebuilt my network of followers (very selective and wary this time) I regained confidence. I, along with @vickyloras and @cgoodey, established #eltpics. Everything was going pretty well and #eltpics was getting more and more supporters. People were encouraged to upload their own photos via password and passcode. I even added my actual picture to my profile.
Then it all started going pear-shaped again. Obviously, I had blocked the original person who was upsetting me. One night, however, they made it clear to me (through a link attached to #eltpics hashtag) that they ‘had my number’ and knew who I was. My immediate reaction was to give up again. Throw in the towel. But this time it wasn’t just me who was going to lose out. It was all of those who had already dedicated a lot of time and effort into developing #eltpics. I’ve tried ‘ignoring’ but that hasn’t worked. My next, hurried, reaction was to change the #eltpics flickr password and protect all the photos already there.
I’m scared of this person. I’m scared now, as I write this. I have no idea what they will do. I feel sick, to be honest. Just as I did in the summer and, more recently, when they made clear they ‘had my number’.
But I’m not that important here. I’m thousands of miles away. But what is important is: (a) the principle of the thing. How can someone be allowed to get away with it? And (b) A so-called committed ELTer seriously and clearly wants me to give up on #eltpics and for it to fail. And I’m not going to let it. It’s all that’s good about twitter, and sharing things with each other.
I don’t want anything but to be left alone by this person. I’ve never done them any harm and never want to. Not in my nature, see? As with your stalker/ blackmailer, I just hope they move on and leave me alone. Though I fear this is not going to be the end of this. I’m not going to suffer in silence any more.
Thank you, once again, for your post.
Laura/ Victoria
(sorry if this sounds a bit incoherent/ grammatically crap… simply want it to blurt it all out.)
Hi Gavin
Thanks for sharing this with us – cyberbullying is definitely part of Web 2.0, although in your case it seems to have gone quite a lot further. I think your approach to this is absolutely right. Hang in there.
Evan
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Shelly S Terrell, Gavin Dudeney, Carol Goodey, Jason Renshaw, evanfrendo and others. evanfrendo said: RT @dudeneyge: Just blogged – Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened… A personal (and true story) – http://bit.ly/hGs1Qd [...]
This is an incredibly moving and powerful piece of writing, Gavin. It’s heartbreaking and sickening, but also extremely important, not only for your own well being but it may well be very helpful for others going through similar experiences.
I can only say that I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, and to Laura too with her own story, and I sincerely hope that this post will be the beginning of the end of your nightmare, and that it will help others too!
I don’t know you much beyond twitter, but what I do know of you from this is that you are a thoroughly decent, helpful and supportive person, (who enjoys a laugh!). As is Laura, who I missed on Twitter and was very glad to see her tentative steps back recently. I don’t believe either of you would do anything to deserve such treatment – but then what would you have to do to make such treatment in any way justifiable?!?
Like Laura mentions, this behaviour does suggest a very unhappy person who not only needs to stop these negative and destructive actions for their own sake as well as you, but who should perhaps be encouraged to find someone they can talk through their feelings with.
Carol
Dear Gavin,
I’ve been reading your post for the last hour. I read it and re-read it and I struggle to find the words to say how terrified I am with what you’ve been through. I probably cannot imagine how terrible it is for you but I can guess how difficult it was to share. So just wanted to thank you for having the courage, for standing up against it and for, as always, trying to help people by sharing your story.
This is unacceptable in any world, real or virtual and should not be happening. You are absolutely right that you friends will not take any of the nonsense and it will all return to them in the end.
Thank you for not giving up, thank you for telling people they are not alone. It is absolutely shocking and scary but it is your brave and bold account of your story that will never put me off from meeting people online and making friends online as I do believe there are many more good people in the world than those awful ones.
Sorry I must be repeating myself, just really struggle to find the right words to tell what I feel.
So just thank you for showing that it can be fought against and you are not alone.
Olga
[ posted on behalf of Ken Wilson, due to technical difficulties
]
Gavin,
I share the shock and incredulity that all your friends and colleagues, real and in cyberspace, must feel at reading these thoughts. But first, a big ‘Well done!’ for managing to write it all so clearly and without allowing anger and malice to colour your words.
You absolutely have to go through legal channels if this doesn’t stop, and if it turns into a long and expensive campaign, then I and your other mates will start a fund to help you, the way you have done to help others in the past.
I also completely agree with Carol that this person HAS to get counselling. Whoever they are, a year of painful counselling is better than the end of a career in their chosen business, which would be the case if it all comes out in to the open.
The high-profile stories of celebrity stalking, so beloved of the tabloid press, actually do give us an insight into the fact that many misguided people seriously believe others to be in love with them. And no amount of ‘Look, I don’t feel the same’ responses seem to make them see the reality.
There’s lots of good reading about this online. I found this one quite interesting. http://www.crisiscounseling.com/articles/stalking.htm
Very best wishes to my favourite cyberspace giant.
Ken
Hi Gavin
I think it’s so important that you shared this and thank you for doing it – you’re right that we don’t really think too hard about who we’re conversing with online and the possible outcomes of being friendly with people.
). However, it highlights the fact that you, like so many other people I’ve met on twitter are clearly a very decent person and don’t deserve the abuse that you’ve obviously had to endure – no-one does.
It’s awful what you’ve been going through and I can only hope that it ends. Although I’ve only met you in person maybe once or twice, I was really grateful when you offered to come to the BC in Barcelona to give a talk for nothing (maybe I shouldn’t advertise that fact!
Thank you
Paul
What a horrible situation, Gavin. I think it’s important for you to have written this as coming from someone with so much respect in ELT world, it carries more power. It shouldn’t, but that’s the way things are. I’ve never met you and have only chatted on twitter perhaps a couple of times, but I remember that when I was introduced to the ‘PLN’ by my former colleague @annapires you were one of the first people to say ‘hi’ and have a chat. I really appreciated that! : ) I’ve always found twitter to be a friendly place, but it just shows that there are dangers and we should be careful about the information we share.
Impossible to imagine how difficult it must have been to write this Gavin, but I would like you to know it has been effective. It has resonance.
It distresses me deeply on three counts:
(1) That it happened (and can and does happen)
(2) That is happened to you (someone I’ve been privileged enough to get to know online and F2F)
(3) Somebody has slipped so far that there really is no other option left: counselling has to be sought at all costs for this person
But I also see a positive in it:
You’ve drawn attention to a very real and possible problem. As you said, it could really happen to any of us.
Personally, I want to thank you for the warning and the lessons learned here.
And like Ken, please consider me amongst those mates who would be more than willing to kick in and help if this incurs any sort of major legal expense. I know you would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.
- Jason
Wow…. what a brave post. I’m not quite sure that I can appropriately respond but I do admire your courage for sharing. I hope that this process will prove healing?
I highlighted your post in my Daily Digest of Education related blogs today as I thought other teachers would find it of interest. You can see it here: http://bit.ly/g8gvze
Thanks for writing all that down Gavin. Nothing to add to what anybody else has said, aside from letting you know that you have my support/empathy/sympathy. I hope writing this has helped you deal with the situation and that it helps the second party take a step or five back.
Andy
Hi Gavin,
You may not remember me (another BCN ‘lifer’) but we have crossed paths in the past. I just wanted to add my voice to the long list of well wishers to show my support.
A similar incident happened to a colleague of mine. He was harrassed by email and in person by an ex-student who had become obsessed with him. He unfortunately eliminated all the correspondence from her so had no evidence to show a lawyer.
I think you’ve done the right thing in speaking out about this although I realise how hard this must have been for you.
Just look at how many people are prepared to stand beside you!
Good luck!
Jessica
I have often handwrung over getting the register right on the internet. Sometimes I kick myself for being overly familiar, other times for not speaking my mind. It can be tough if you haven’t got somebody fleshy in front of you.
What you, Laura, and apparently others are going through is obviously of a completely different nature and deserves to be denounced publicly, as you have rightly done so!
On a more personal note, I haven’t forgotten that I still owe you a few beers. I hope this incident won’t mean your withdrawal into suspicion and that I will be able to pay back the generosity you showed me earlier in the year. I’m sure it won’t!
Take care of yourself,
Ian
I read the whole incredible piece. Just back from (my first) tweetup at TESOLFR, where we all met eachother with great joy, I was very sad to imagine that you -the leading light of ELT cyberspace – could have got into such a place. Of COURSE we’re all with you, and thanks for leading the way once more with this very courageous piece
amitiés (from the cigarette smoking grandmother in Paris)
Elizabeth
Hi Gavin
Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you all the best for a safe and positive outcome.
I am fortunate in that I’ve never been subjected to anything as extreme as this online, but I will just say it raises some parallels with an experience that came about some years ago from a man I met via an online dating site. For at least six months after I ended our six-week “relationship”, (which was face to face, even though it had begun online) this man continued to harass and attack me verbally, by phone, email and letter, until I ignored it long enough and eventually he went away. I always wonder if I should have done something about it but I was too intimidated, even to warn the dating site about him, in case he chased me down.
My point is that meeting people online, when you have no mutual friends and no means of verifying their identity, can be dangerous. We seem to forget that when we launch into the cyberworld and revel in the number of Twitter followers or Facebook “friends” we have.
I have met you personally, and through association of one of my dear friends I know you to be a person of great integrity, so I applaud you in writing this, and bringing this issue out into the open.
Best of luck.
Joc
In my very simple words, it takes guts to write this brave post on something most people, especially men , would hide. It is really sad you are going through all this. What we do outside our professional lives is our business. No one has the right to expose this, threaten you or wish you wrong simply because he or she didn’t get what they wanted. You have shown you are not only a kind person but a great professional. You offered me a scholarship to take a course in your company and even gave me the chance to work there for a while as a support tutor. This gave me a lot of confidence as a professional and I did meet fantastic people. I can only be grateful. I still believe in friendship in spite of all the meanness and evil outside. There are good people and I have met some of them online. Now this should serve us all as a warning. We should be careful when we innocently accept someone’s friendship either online or real life. It is a pity we have to do so. Friendship can be so rewarding, uplifting and valuable. But we human beings are complex and behave in strange ways. We can make people happy, but miserable as well. Gavin just wanted to let you know you can count on my support and my colleagues who will always keep you in high esteem and respect. Your hard work and contribution to ELT will not be tainted by evil.
Miguel Mendoza
Caracas-Venezuela
Dear Gavin,
I’m really sorry for all this. It’s almost incredible that this has happened to you!
Anyway, thanks a lot for sharing it with us. It’s important to tell people to be aware of everything we do online…
I have a friend that faced a difficult situation when her exchanging emails with a person where sent to all her list of contacts… When I received that, I knew it was “dirty game” and I just called her to make her aware of that…She was very sad, angry, and stressed… After some time, she forgot all about that and continued her life in a more careful way (online saying).
That’s it. You can always count on me.
Cintia
Gavin, I’ve only briefly met you a couple of times at conferences, but I feel genuinely distressed that this has happened to someone who I consider to be one this profession’s finest gentlemen.
Needless to say, you have a lot of friends, even among those like me who only know you ‘virtually’, which I guess makes this case all the more horrible.
We feel your pain and offer our support. Hang in there, big fella.
Gavin, I think your post is probably one of the most moving I have ever read on line and made even more so by the fact that I know and respect you so much I am in no doubt you would not have done this unless you genuinely felt threatened. I really appreciate that sick feeling you describe and have a few cyber harassment issues of my own to tell which have changed the way I interact with people online. Your post has roused me from my silence online recently (due to overload at work and the imminent birth of my son). That is how much I know this post is more important than anything else I’ve read for a while and so needs a widespread response.
I join others above in telling you that it was the right decision to bring this out into the open – I hope this will stop the individual concerned from going on. We need to confront this as a community of ethical bloggers who do not want people like this in our midst. Bullies and stalkers are usually unhappy people with deep insecurities and problems in their lives. It is there they should be focusing their energy (i.e. on increasing their own happiness) but instead what they often do is try to make other people feel miserable to make themselves feel better. It is a cycle of destruction as sooner or later people begin to understand who bullies are. I note that you were careful not to mention the name/identity of this person and I think that was the right decision. I am sure though that the individual concerned is reading this thread (well if they have been stalking you that stands to reason). My message to them is: please leave Gavin alone and think about how upset this has clearly made him – for him to release this into the public space is in itself a cry for help that we are all answering. Get some help yourself now and stop this behaviour from going any further.
The fact of the matter is that a) you can’t make someone like you by threatening them – these things happen organically or not at all b) it is totally unacceptable to try and manipulate people into getting what you want with the “carrot and stick” of revealing personal correspondence. Gavin, I think you are right to have gone to a lawyer to protect your wellbeing and reputation. The idea that negative comments were received about you or your family is beyond reproach.
It is clear from the number of responses until now that your community of friends and contacts supports you. Please keep us updated and let us know what is going on. I hope that is an end to things as often by refusing to remain silent, the cycle of bullying is broken.
@Ian good point! These experiences can make us feel like withdrawing (I note Laura’s contribution above and feel very sad about all she has had to endure and am happy to see her back on twitter again – welcome). But from what I know of Gavin online and in person, he will continue to help and support his friends and colleagues with hours of his personal time anyway because that is the kind of person he is.
With love and support to you Gav.
Sara (Greece)
xx
Gavin,
well done!
on all fronts:
- for bringing this out in public;
- for not mentioning their name;
- for taking a firm stance in warning them before taking this to the police.
You have all my support,
Guido.
Gavin
Desperately sorry to hear of the dreadful time you’ve been having. I know these things happen but it still shocks me the way people behave.
I think that you are taking absolutely the right road – sharing what you’ve been going through will help other people who are experiencing something similar. And you’re right to take things to the next level legally should you need to. People who do this need to understand that their behaviour is not acceptable.
I’ve been lucky not to experience online bullying but I did go through a bad phase of workplace bullying a number of years ago. It is incredibly difficult to admit to – in some stupid way you feel that it is your own fault, at least until you come out the other side. The only positive thing that I can say about the experience is that I don’t think (I hope) that I’d let anyone make me feel the way I felt then again. You do gain strength going through this but you shouldn’t have to experience this.
Good luck Gavin, sincerely hope things sort out for you and your family soon. There are lots of us out here who are with you
Pauline
Gavin,
Just like others above, I am speechless: not only because this is a most horrible situation, which it is, but also that it has happened to you, the person who has always been most helpful and friendly with even faint acquaintances like I am.
I assume I can reiterate in the name of all your contacts that despite this person’s dirty campaign, your ‘image’ and reputation will persist.
Please, do carry on defending yourself, there will be hundreds backing you, I am sure, with your professional and personal history in mind.
With warm regards,
Kati
Gavin,
I only know you through Twitter, reading your blog and through friends (most of them virtual as well) that know you. But as far as I know, you’re an incredible professional, a fun and decent person, always willing to help – and share your expertise. I always enjoy your posts and tweets.
I join the chorus of great people who commented before me and thank you for posting this, for sharing your (horrible) experience and what you’re going through. I can only try to imagine how hard it was for you and how much you struggled with it, with finding the right words. You gave your bully a lot more of consideration and respect than they have shown you – and yet again, from the little I know you, it doesn’t surprise me. I’m just glad what you’re experiencing hasn’t changed that
Reading your account and then Laura’s has raised a big red flad for me. I’m pretty green at the whole twitterverse/blogging world and I have a certain naivité when it comes down to trusting people. I am naturally very trusting of everyone. I do it the other way around: everyone I meet imeediately gets my trust, and just has to keep it. Needless to say, I’ve been let down and hurt one too many times – still can’t seem to shake this destructive behavior. So, upon meeting people over twitter (and later blogging) I still do that, despite not being able to rely on my (usually accurate) reading of people’s faces and speaking – that’s what usually alerts me of people who are not-s-o-nice. And so I have done, and every single person I have met and become friends with over twitter (and then skyping, DMing with some as well) has been granted that complete trust and “nice person” label from me. I have a very friendly nature (and fear I’ll be misinterpreted many times, especially because of cultural gaps). And I could never imagine this kind of thing happened. It has certainly made me wary and I’ll probably be more careful (and reluctant) at becoming friendly to other people, maybe make me re-evaluate some of the friendships/exchanges I’ve made… No.
I think you’re absolutely right when you say it shouldn’t be like this. And Laura says it all we should keep at heart all the truly good stuff/people that there is in Twitter. I believe there’s far greater of those than the bad ones. And as so many before me have mentioned, I think this person is going throughsomething difficult and doesn’t know how to deal with it, and it’s doing it in a (TERRIBLY) wrong way – probably the worst possible. They should definitely look for counseling – as someone who has a therapist (and has had for the past 6 years) I strongly advise it. It’s made me a much better (and especially happier) person. Not the booguey-man many make it.
It took a lot of guts to come out like you did – especially for not knowing how your bully would react to it. But as youcan see your friends know you well, support you and will never believe whatever this person tries to throw your way. Whatever they do, no permanent damage will be done, because you’ve built a very solid, respectable reputation and more importantly, a great group of friends, who truly respect and like you. So, hang in there Gavin. You just defended yourself, may have helped many in the process (like Richard said, being as respected as you are in the ELT world, it carries a lot of power, for you to come out and admit to being bullied) – and you did it well. I do hope your bully has read this, has a reality check and leaves you alone.
For whatever it’s worth, I’m 100% behind you. And I hope I can meet you face to face someday and share a beer.
So if you are ever down here, please let me know!
Hi Gavin,
What a very sobering and distressing story. It’s really difficult to know what can be said to help, except to repeat what everyone else is saying. We believe in you, support you, thank you for making this public. It’s chilling to think that bullying like this can go on for so long “in our midst” – I want to extend my sympathy and empathy to you, Laura and anyone else who’s in the same situation. And if there’s any way at all we as a twitter/blog community can help, please let us know!
Take care, I really hope this sorts itself out sooner rather than later,
Thinking of you,
Ceri
Dear Gavin,
I can only begin to imagine how painfully taunting this period has been and how difficult it must be to write about it in public. I have always admired you as a professional and now I stand in awe and admire you even more –not just as a colleague but as a fellow human being. Heartfelt thanks for sharing this here. It’s in sharing that we all learn and understand. I hope it has also helped lessened the tension you must be experiencing.
I have always greatly appreciated your exemplary way of being online – you are a model moderator! As a learning technologies expert you have enlightened and supported many of us over the past decade and I have to shout out that you’ve just done it again! Thank you for being exemplary here in your personal post too as it shows your special strength and courage, that personal touch that we don’t normally see or need in our jobs in Moodle, Second Life or whatever but surfaces when coping with issues like this. I have had the honour and opportunity of working closely with you, and it’s a good moment to publically announce that you are more than just admirable and inspiring, you are spot-on! Your post today confirms that. After more than 5 years of working with you today I learnt about that human side of Gavin and feel your pain, anger, perplexity and all those thousands of things you are feeling. I stand by you and it goes without saying that you can lean on us for full support in whatever form.
Online life, or “blended” living as I’ve decided to call it, exposes us to lots of new things – some fun, some pointless, some thought-provoking. Never should “blended living” expose people to greater forms of manipulation (I guess made possible by the digital archives that the online medium captures). We all need to speak out and condemn this form of bullying. Kudos to you for implementing the “tell” in the stop, block and tell strategy. People who choose to use the online medium for that type of manipulation, people who spiral online communication into eternal loops and misunderstanding, definitely need help. Not just help with their online life and behaviour but help with life in general. I hope your blackmailer can seek that sort of professional help quickly and recover from what is quite a serious condition.
Most of us are lucky that our online communication is all positive, your story and another one I heard recently from a learner, are a reminder that communicating on Facebook, Twitter, SMS etc can lead to negativity and new forms of bullying indeed. Sometimes of totally new proportions because of that digital footprint…totally out of proportion as your cyberbully has done. This is something that we try to explain and become more knowledgeable in handling – especially when working with teenagers – but we are sure a long way from fully understanding the impact. I have used some of the PBS video material with some classes to discuss and debate the issue http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/digitalnation/relationships/predators-bullies/stop-block-and-tell.html
And it’s clear that every shared experience helps with gaining greater awareness in this area. So, Gavin, thanks again and well done for adding to that pool of knowledge, there are tiny positives even in the most awful of moments.
Stop, block and tell. Way to go! May the cycle – as Sara says – be broken with this post. May this post help you, others and your blackmailer.
A huge virtual hug and round of applause to you,
Valentina
Gavin, you’ve followed the symptom, if you will, which is the holsitic, homeopathic ways to deal with a ‘dis-ease’ as opposed to the allopathic means of suppressing symptoms or ignoring them – that’s a testament to your character and intelligence.
The outpouring of support here is a positive sign, isn’t it? Again, it shows that most of us have good intentions with our Web 2.0 tools and use them to help and learn, which is how I’ve come to know your own use of digital technology.
Someone very close to me was stalked, harassed, and bullied in a similar fashion, but in person, and that experience gives me a deep appreciation of what you’ve described here. In fact, it also seems it was easier to deal with it outside of cyberspace in some ways. Nonetheless, you’ve done the right thing, and I wish you the best in protecting yourself personally and professionally.
Big hugs,
Rob
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jason Bedell, Clive Elsmore. Clive Elsmore said: RT @gret: "Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened…" by @dudeneyge http://me.lt/4UB0 #edchat [...]
Gavin,
What an awful experience and what a brave response! I can only repeat what everybody has already said here: you’re a great guy, an inspiration to all, and you did the right thing here. Not that you needed proof, but now you can be absolutely certain that everybody who knows you, in real life or online, stands behind you in support. If anything good can come out of this horrible experience, then this must be it.
Elek
Perhaps now, Gavin, is the time to thank you in public for the support you gave me (it was more important to me than you might have imagined at the time) earlier this year when I was receiving online death threats.
Thank you for sharing this with us, Gav. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and heartbreak. But it doesn’t surprise me at all that you’ve written this post because that’s just the kind of person you are – responsible & caring! By exposing yourself this way, you are trying to prevent the same thing happening to the rest of us and I’m very grateful for that.
You have my unconditional support and admiration!
Ax
Hi Gavin,
I’ll join those saying thanks for taking the difficult steps of writing and publishing this post. In doing so, you’ve highlighted an important issue. I also join those comending you for the way you’ve handled it – very calm and well-balanced despite the high level of emotion and stress that must be involved.
It’s a great shame that this kind of thing happens and that it has happened to you in particular. I always use you as an example when I try to convince people to start using Twitter. You may not remember but I got a new computer over the summer and sent out a tweet asking if there was an easy way to transfer bookmarks from one machine to another. A reply came from you in less than a minute saving me a lot of work!
It’s clear from all the comments today that your are well liked and respected around the online ELT community and I hope this has been of help. I also sincerely hope this post achieves its aim and you are no longer stalked, threatened or harassed.
Dear Gavin
So sorry to hear that you have been subjected to this. I have only suffered from one continued barrage of electronic vitriol from someone I thought was a friend. I ignored it for several weeks, and then a humble apology came out of the blue – which I had the good grace to accept. Years later I found that my friend had been diagnosed as being bipolar. This explained my friend’s extraordinary behaviour. But what you are going through appears to be far more serious, and legal action is probably the wisest course.
Graham
Wow – I had a very quick scan of the story in a break at lunchtime but have just read it and all of the comments properly. I am shocked, saddened and certainly sense if not feel some of the pain behind the words. All of that nastiness aimed at someone so full of fun, so helpful to all in so many way, so respected, a person whom I just could not imagine this happening to makes me realise just how vulnerable we all are! I teach teens and children about cyber bullying, expecting it may happen to them as at their age they are immature, often do not know just how painful the experience is likely to be, make and break friendships, and juvenile crushes quickly and consequently may leave themselves vulnerable, but, it is not the sort of behaviour one expects to meet with from rational adults. Sadly the perpetrator here seems to be lacking normal adult reason and is possibly quite sick making the whole thing doubly sad.
I can’t believe the attack on your family, that is really below the belt – what on earth could make someone do that? Some sort of misplaced jealously I guess…weird, and very immature, designed to cause you maximum pain!
I see now where Laura disappeared to so quickly from Twitter and why… so sad!
If I can do anything to help Gavin please do just drop me a note. You have my total support, I think you are doing the right thing, you should have done it a long time ago – but that is easily said and oh so difficult to put into action. It will be a rough few weeks if you start to see all of your private DMs flying around the metaverse – but we all need to remember that a few words taken out of context can look really mean, horrid, unnecessary etc., and keep in mind they will be out of context and will be used to cause you maximum discomfort. The comments here show how much support your friends and some fairly casual acquaintances also are extending and the esteem that you are held in by so many. Keep smiling lovely person… it has to end soon
I’m here to share my sympathy too and to say thank you for sharing.
The internet is the great democratiser in many ways and sadly that includes cyber-bullying, stalking and the like. Whilst I understand where your comment that it might seem ridiculous that a man in his mid-40′s should be saying such a thing, the fact is that while you may not be in the most common target group, it can and does happen to anyone. Including, obviously and sadly, you.
But if people aren’t brave enough to talk up, it will become one of those areas where stigma will stop people trying to get help and deal with it when they should. Both the stalker and the bullied. Hopefully this will be a little step towards that, as well as personally freeing you from the nightmare it sounds like you’ve been going through.
Hi Gavin
We met sort of casually at BESIG Bielefeld and I do believe I received my very first tweet from you. I have also done an online course through the consultants-e. But know you, I can’t say I do. I CAN say, however, without a shadow of a doubt that from what I DO know, your integrity is unquestioned, your professionalism impeccable and, as far as I’m concerned, in my niche of the world, your reputation solid and intact.
The courage you and others in the same situation show by being prepared to stand up and go public about this kind of thing, WILL send it scurrying shamefully back into the poisonous undergrowth from whence it came, cowardly tail tucked between its legs.
My sincere wishes that you can now put this ghastly vile episode behind you and move forward.
Best regards
Candy van Olst
Dear Gavin,
how horrible but what a brave and moving post. My complete support … hang in there.
Enda
Folks,
I can’t answer you all individually, but I want you to know that what you have all written to me today has made this decision even more valuable and useful to me. In the course of today I have been contacted by over 150 people, all of whom have brought a smile to my face and made me feel so, so much better.
I have also been contacted by six individuals, each in their own private email, telling me that they feel they have been bullied – either online or off – during the past year. Each and every one of those emails mentioned one name – the name I have promised not to reveal unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Those emails will – with the permission of their authors – go into the dossier with my lawyer. There is power in numbers, rather than one person accusing another. To those six people especially, my heartfelt thanks
Many of you have sent me DMs asking for a name – please let me reiterate that I’m not playing that game unless it becomes a legal necessity.
To the person in question, please stop sending me emails – the three you have sent today have simply brought back the anxiety and fear, and I don’t like it, it makes me feel ill again and I simply don’t want to feel that way anymore.
I made myself very clear in my blog post. I do not want any contact from you – not written, not spoken. I do not want you to speak or write my name. I do not want to see it mentioned on Twitter, in blog posts or anywhere else by you. I especially do not want to hear that you have been gossiping or spreading more rumours about me behind my back.
And I really do not want to see you tweeting or retweeting links to this blog post again or trying again to post any kind of comment, please.
If you can agree to stick to those basic and simple requests then you will hear no more from me. That sounds like a very reasonable deal to me – please take it.
Gavin
Dear Gavin
Thank you for sharing this. How horrible for you! Shocked by it, to be honest.
You are doing absolutely the right thing, I feel. Thanks for standing up against bullying. It will hopefully make the world safer for all of us.
Warm best wishes
Sue
Sucks you have to go through this. You’ve always been kind and wonderful to Steve and I and we give you our support in any form. I also like many applaud your strength for speaking against cyberbullying. We often read about it and many of us experience this and sometimes get that ashamed feeling as if we did something to deserve it or that we somehow should ignore it like it will go away. No one deserves this treatment from anyone. I’ll say it again because I believe this that no one deserves this treatment from anyone. I believe even when someone is vile to me I don’t wish that person harm or evil. As an educator I hope to be an example to my students, especially since I ask their parents to take that step to allow me to teach them with online technologies. Bullying offline and online has to be something everyone works to quelch. If we struggle as adults dealing with this then I can only imagine how much of a burden it is for kids, adolescents, and teens. I had a friend recently speak to me about a stalker she experienced in private only to warn me about speaking with this person because she did have to press charges for the cyberstalking. I appreciated the warning and I do believe that her actions prevented me and others from being victimized from this person. Your actions will help others who may lack the courage to speak up or not realize they have a way to seek legal action or support and help from their community of friends.
Well I can only echo was has been so well-written in the previous 36 comments! Sara totally summed up my views on this.
View this as a call to arms Gavin for those who know you better than this person clearly does. @Ken WELL SAID and I for one would be proud to help – I hope that won’t be necessary but we’ll be here if it becomes so.
Who cares what people get up to in their spare time you know – I wonder if this person realises that their “revelations” will cut no ice with us. Nobody is normal, certainly not me – who am I to judge anyone else. So whatever happens, you will not find yourself without this bunch of people.
All I can add is I hope our comments bring you some strength – who’d have thought so many people like you
. When you feel shitty, come back here and read again. DM to your heart’s content and use us and abuse us.
Much love
Emma x
A highly disturbing account about this obsessive behaviour by someone who seems to display signs of a highly disturbed personality.
I, too, wish to join the voices addressing this person and calling on them to STOP immediately! AND seek some counselling!
This is totally out of order and completely unacceptable! I am shocked and horrified.
And I am sending you this message by way of full support and as an expression of sympathy for the distress this is causing you.
And a small reminder that obsessive and unwarranted attacks can hurt people whether privately or publicly displayed.
Marisa
Dear Gavin,
thank you for having the courage to write this. I would just like to say that, in any dealings I have had with you, you have been the ultimate professional. I always enjoy your blog posts and tweets. Please accept my sincere regrets for what has been happening to you, which is perfectly horrible. I hope that you know that there are many people who support you, and hope that your ordeal will now be over.
All the best
Sue
Sorry for the slow response, Gavin, but I’ve been away all day.
I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like to be bullied in this way, and I can only send you sympathy. It must be frightening and well, humiliating because of the need to present an account of yourself in public. At the very least, that’s quite unfair, and at most, morally quite unacceptable.
I think your blog is a very balanced account of what you describe, and I agree with everyone who admires you for writing it. I also think you’re right to put it in the hands of your lawyer. As Ken said, if you need financial support, please count me.
Good luck, Gavin, I hope the harassment stops immediately. And I’m very, very sorry you’ve had to put up with this intolerable situation.
Simon Greenall
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by MarisaConstantinides, Jeremy Harmer. Jeremy Harmer said: no time (after internet-free day) to respond to @dudeneyge bullying blog http://bit.ly/i0onuW, which is a sobering wake-up 2 luvvie Twitter [...]
Dear Gavin,
I am so sorry you have had to go through this and for a whole year – what a terrible experience this is. We are all very proud of you that you brought it out into the light and what a brave decision to do so. I do not know whether I would have had the courage to do that, had it happened to me.
Many were the times last year when, through my own problems, I found myself laughing so much when I read your tweets and when I mentioned this to you, you continued saying funny stuff and made me laugh, when in fact I was mostly crying. I thank you for that. I will also never forget when in a panic I discovered viruses on my laptop and on the spur of the moment I decided to ask you what to do and you not only helped me but offered me many alternatives, when you had a million things to do yourself.
You and in fact nobody deserves to go through this.
Gavin, I am with you in anything you do. You are one of my favourite people on Twitter and you have all my support and help. I hope all this ends soon for you and you feel much much better.
Big hugs,
Vicky
Gavin,
It’s all been said already – just to lend my support. Good man for telling it how it is and for not letting the bully win. And for pointing out that they need help – they do.
Eric
Dear Gavin,
I have nothing but admiration for the manner in which you have spoken out against the behaviour you have been subjected to and the distress it has caused you.
It is getting late and it has been a long day at the keyboard, and eloquence not being my strong suit in any case, the fine words I would like to use to express solidarity elude me. So suffice it to say that I am firmly with you and if there’s anything I can do to help, you need only give me the nod.
Here’s hoping that this will all blow over quickly and peacefully and we can all get back to enjoying your being out there on the Interweb thingy.
Carl
Congratulations on finding the strength to post this and the words to put across what you’re going through. I guess you can see by the number of comments that you have a great deal of support from your friends/colleagues/fellow tweeters and bloggers…people who want to use resources such as Twitter to improve themselves and help others.
I hope you come through this without losing your enthusiasm for any part of life.
you will know, Gavin, because we discussed this, that I entirely support your decision to go public with your story. I think that in the first place it allows you to feel (justifiably) a sensation of support from our community which you are an informative, helpful, bonkers (only in the best way, mind!) and valuable member of, and, at the same time you may feel a warming shudder of ‘there-but-for the grace-of God’ feeling that many of us are experiencing. We have, after all, all gossiped face to face or online, all DM-ed perhaps unwisely, all said things in (what we thought was) private which, however innocent, we would not really wish to share around the place with everybody else.
We have all, also, at times, found ourselves face to face with someone who appears to want to do us harm – whether or not this is, in fact, the case. We have all, on occasions like that, been puzzled by the motives of our pursuer but, like all victims of this kind of thing, have worried about our own level of complicity, even when we have been as blameless as it has been possible to be.
So………….?
Good schools have anti-bullying policies. These are founded on core beliefs about mutual respect and the rights of the individual child to be free from intimidation or fear based on gender, appearance, race, colour, creed. So far, so good. Can schools offer us any examples in the present situation?
There is a strong belief that in any bullying situation two people need and demand our support; both the bullied and the bullyer. The reason for the first is obvious. For the second, less so. But if anything more positive is to emerge from a bullying situation, other than merely an end to the bullying, then we need to be available there too (I mean teachers and other school professionals, though a mutual understanding between both bullied and bullying parties is, in the end, the best and most durable solution IF it can be achieved ).
Why, after all, do kids bully each other? Innate evil? That is not a concept I can countenance. Bullyers are frequently victims themselves. Something in their lives has slipped off track. If we want the world to be a better place we need to help them too.
The issue then becomes ‘what should children do if they are bullied?’ The advice that all kids receive is to tell a responsible adult, an adult you feel comfortable telling – and to be able to do so in the sure and certain knowledge that your complaint will not be brashly revealed to everyone – including the bullyer. If that is not possible, tell supportive friends, get help, and especially DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE.
Well, you are not suffering silence, that’s for sure, and I applaud you for that fact. But this is a whole-school issue (OK, the analogy is wearing thin, perhaps), a whole community issue.
So the question is what the community (that’s us) can do about it. How do we try and ensure it doesn’t happen again? How do we support you – and indeed (and I mean this) everyone in this sorry situation?
Bullying is horrible, damaging, ugly, and destructive. Good school find a way out of it sometimes.
What about us?
Jeremy
This was a harrowing read, because what happened was so horrible and also because it is so simple and could so easily happen to anyone.
It’s harrowing because this has always been something that happened to ‘other people’, but as you point out, you’re not what’s seen as the typical victim of this type of crime. ie. this could happen to anyone.
Hopefully your making this statement will encourage your harrasser to stop and to seek help. Also it should serve to give strength to anyone who finds themselves in the same situation. The course of action that you are taking strikes me as absolutely the correct one to take, and I applaud you for it.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jeremy Harmer, Guido. Guido said: RT @Harmerj: Have just posted a comment on @dudeneyge blog about bullying and blackmail http://bit.ly/htsjTw Not easy…. [...]
This must have been so difficult to write and it’s deeply upsetting that you, and others, are having to go through this. Like so many of your well wishers, I’m full of admiration for the stand you’re taking.
Gavin, this was the first post on your blog that I would really have not read. However the messages of support here from your friends, colleagues and contacts make heart-warming reading. I’d like to join them in wishing this situation ends immediately, and assuring you of my highest regard.
Vicki
Hi Gavin – I was bullied at school – not nice. Never really figured out why someone wants to make another’s life such a misery in this way. My schoolboy experiences were pretty lonely – no support from anyone. It’s great you have so much backing online. It’s also a good thing you wrote this post. We perhaps tend to be too eager to share ourselves online with people we don’t know and your post is a reminder that cyberspace is not always warm and cosy. Hope everything turns out well. Let me know if you need an “Ed-tech guru bullied online” lesson made
Dear Gavin
I was really sorry to read your long post about the harassment you’ve been experiencing this past year. I admire your courage for bringing out in the open and although it might initially make things more unpleasant for you, I have a feeling that in the medium and longterm it will have been the right thing to do. It certainly will give more meaning to the parts of the course I’m moderating which deal with cyber bullying because now instead of some abstract case study which may or may not be based on a real case, I’ll obviously now be thinking of your situation. And perhaps it will make me more keen to see participants appreciating the potential misery which this can bring and to come up with practical solutions.
Your aggressor sounds psychologically disturbed. I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind doing this because for them it is a high risk strategy reputation-wise.
This reminds me of the Kathy Sierra case from 2007. She disappeared from the online world. I sincerely hope that you don’t or are not forced to.
All the best
Anne
It’s taken a while for me to gather my thoughts and post a reply to this as I was shocked and deeply saddened to learn about what you have been going through, Gavin…
Not much to add, other than to echo the messages of support that have already been posted and say that I hope that your post achieves its aim and persuades the person in question to leave you alone and seek help.
Sue
Dear Friends,
I’m feeling a little guilty at not doing my usual of answering every comment, but then again, there’s not much to say apart from to give my deepest thanks for each and every one of them.
This post has seen so much support that at times it’s been a bit overwhelming. If you add in my overflowing Inbox plus the DMs and everything else, you’ll appreciate how difficult it is for me to write to you all individually, but please know that I value everything you’ve sent me, either here or privately and it has made ‘coming out’ that much easier.
I hope to move on now, and I hope the few friends and acquaintances who have also suffered will feel some of the relief and release that I feel and will also be able to move on themselves, to get back online safely, to feel no fear when they post a new blog post, a tweet, a photo or a piece of music, or meet people in public.
Lest we forget, tis the season to be jolly, and I wish you all well, sincerely.
The blog post remains open – not only for messages of support, but also for anyone who wants to learn from my experience or share their own. some of you have done this privately, and I respect that – others, well, you may want to go public too. There is a terrible stigma attached to this process, let’s break it once and for all.
Gavin
[...] I get everything ready in my classroom and am waiting for the students to arrive, and see Gavin Dudeney’s new post. I am not getting into details, but in short it’s about being bullied online, threatened by a [...]
Gavin,
Thanks, Carol, for alerting me to this. I might have missed it.
Gavin, for what it is worth, I can report that although I’m a bit of a list alcoholic I have – believe me – never, ever heard a single, negative rumour about you. I am sickened and apprehensive about what you have told us, but, sadly, know from personal, pre-email life how devastingly undermining and destructive irrational, disturbed human-beings can be. Gavin – thanks for the very many occasions you have shared technical knowledge with me and given me support and encouragement in professionally-related matters. Deeply sorry that you have had to endure this. Bless you for having the courage to go public.Take care Gavin. It’s good to know you. Dennis
Gavin,
So sorry to hear about this harassment that you have been having and bravo to you for confronting it in such a public way. I sincerely hope that whoever is bullying, stalking and making your online life miserable gets the message and stops this unacceptable behaviour immediately. I hope many more join in and condemn this and any other type of bullying be it online or offline.
Dear Gavin,
This is the second tale of cyberbullying I have heard in the last three months, having been completely unaware of its existence previously. It is a very difficult situation and you have definitely done the right thing in taking a stand. I hope it works.
The other person I know who suffered from cyberbullying had to remove themselves completely from being online for six months because it gave them a nervous breakdown. They now have no computer but are gradually going back to their blog, although email and Twitter are still out completely. To reiterate your words, I simply cannot understand how interfering in somebody’s life so completely can create any kind of positive feelings. Unfortunately the friend who I know has no proof as the bullying was mind games rather than out-and-out negative comments / rumours, so they are unable to do anything except ignore it, hope the bully gets bored and try to rebuild their life.
Well done for how you have dealt with this,
Sandy
I think you did the right thing by *talking*about it and seeking legal advice. I never really knew what lead some kids to bully other kids at school, but at the end of the day bullying in such an extreme manner is a sign a weakness and deep trouble. I hope the bullying stops at once and that you’ll recover your peace of mind and delightful humour.
Take care,
Alice
Dear Gavin!
I am so sorry to hear these news! I know everything will end fast and well.
Thanks for sharing this with us all.
I wish you all the best
Carla – Brazil
and this is to make a little joke (no offence).
This was post 665,( http://slife.dudeney.com/?p=665)
I wonder what post 666 will be!
Dear Gavin
I was very shocked to read about the awful situation you have been going through. I admire you immensely for the very courageous and dignified manner in which you have written an extremely difficult and harrowing post. I hope this bullying stops immediately.
Take care
Janet
[...] include his educational chats, Edchat page, birthday pages, and more! Most influential blog post- Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened by Gavin Dudeney. Gavin takes a stand against cyberbullying and over 64 comments prove why this [...]
Gavin,
I’d like to add my voice to the others here in condemming what has happened and that cyberbullying is unacceptable. I had no idea that this kind of thing, to this extreme, was happening inside the community and was completely bowled over by your post. I understand and respect your motives to not want to “out” this person and hope that the situation is sorted out and that you can move on.
I’d also like to add my comment to Dennis Newson’s above that I have not really heard that you were being defamed in any way on my travels in the real or virtual world.
[...] by Barb Sakamoto Best new blog: Language Garden by David Warr Most influential blog post: Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened by Gavin Dudeney Most influential tweet / series of tweets / tweet based discussion: #ELTpics (by [...]
I found this website with creative writing of a teacher who was bullied at work: http://bullybash.wordpress.com/ – I thought this post was just gripping: http://bullybash.wordpress.com/2010/07/09/to-read-inside-a-black-dog/ How many gifted people will we loose out of teaching because of the bullies in the workplace!
It is a crime and I am disgusted with all bullies. I also believe in karma and they will one day reap what they sow.
Gavin, good luck and hang in there. Any bully is a coward, so hopefully your intent to expose him/her will scare the living daylights out of them. Here’s a toast to your brave action.
Gavin, I am so sorry that you had to go through all these…It is very annoying! I think you made the right move and it is great to see the support from all these wonderful people. I can’t find anything else to say. I hope this person gets the necessary treatment as soon as possible and stays away from you.
Burcu
[...] blog post: This is a recent but very important, thought-provoking post on cyber-bullying. Gavin Dudeney has done so much and his contribution my to learning is immeasurable, but this post was a real [...]
Gavin, sorry to hear of your troubles – it takes a lot to recover from something like this.
Just 2 things to share: a stalking experience and possible ways to recover…
In the year 2000 while working on an EAP program, a Chinese student stalked me – really physical, obsessive and disturbing – when I reported this to the Assistant DOS, she just said, ‘It doesn’t matter how ugly you are, it will happen a few times in your career…’ Without support and not knowing how to handle it, I left this job and took a couple of assignments in Japan to get away – 10 years later, back home in Oz working at a local university, I’m talking to a mate who runs some community programs. She was grumbling about the large pile of job applicants for the teaching of the Mandarin lessons, on top was the name I had run from. The memories came back as thick, deep, confusing, frustrating, annoying as before, it was like from the twighlight zone and it just doesn’t cure easily.
It is important that you invest in your own recovery ASAP and perhaps you should get some professional advice regarding the best ways to move on. My experience is that such an incident becomes burdensome excess emotional baggage that we carry forward as our lives progress. It needs to be dumped.
On our national broadcaster we’ve just had a reality/professional workshop program of looking at what makes a group of Aussies unhappy and how to recover. Besides watching the current ashes cricket series, many things make people unhappy. I think this episode has affected you. Programs are downloadable in mp4 (200MB) and I recommend that you have a bit of a look:
http://makingaustraliahappy.abc.net.au/episodes.php
Cheers,
Peter
Gavin,
I’m also here to add to the list of people who feel for what you have been going through. I guess there are simply no excuses for anyone to think they own someone else’s life or even think they might have the right to tell people what they can or cannot do. And it also comes to show that this kind of abuse might happen to anyone, not just those who are careless and haven’t got a clue of what it is that they’re doing online. It depends solely on the person who’s actually doing the bullying, and we all might, unfortunately, have to deal with this kind of abuse in our lives.
I do understand your point of view in not outing the person, but I also hope something is done to make them realise that their behaviour is wrong in so many ways that it’s even hard to start from somewhere. Whether this realisation will come through some counseling or punishment, it’s not the most important point. The fact is that without acknowledging that this is not acceptable, they are running the risk of doing the same thing again and again to different people – and we have all read lots of stories of people who haven’t been able to lead a normal life for a long, long time due to such crime.
It certainly takes a lot of courage to publish such a post, but I think this is the right thing to do. To be 100% honest with you, I wonder if you haven’t done a lot more than you should have done to safe-guard this person and try to talk some sense into their head.
One more thing that this brave post has done is show the sense of community and the strength of our online ties. There are good people everywhere, and also refuse to think that the vast majority of people who start creating a PLN do so with the intention of doing more harm than good. Fortunately, most people connect to others for the right reasons, and they’re also willing to help those in need. I really don’t think this is what you expected out of this post, but it certainly happened. On or offline, we’re creating connections.
I hope all is sorted out soon enough in the best possible way. If there’s ever anything that I can do to help, just say so.
Henrick
[...] one of the two owners of The Consultants-E for whom I do some facilitating work, has just written a harrowing post about what he has been going through in the last year. In brief he has been bullied, blackmailed and [...]
AN UPDATE
It’s Saturday, and I have to say the past three days have not only restored my faith in the online community, but also been some of the least stressful I’ve had in quite a long time. Your continued support has been amazing, and stories continue to pour into my Inbox – some who have been bullied by the same person, others who have been bullied in different circumstances.
I have stuck, meanwhile, to my promise not to utter the name of the person. They did cynically try to post a comment of support to my blog on the first day, which was, for me, the most amazing aspect of the thing. No contrition, simply a desire to save their name, even though I had promised not to reveal it.
I inadvertently published that comment for a short while (whilst under the influence of quality narcotics, courtesy of my dentist) – and this confused some people who had supported me, and others who had also been victims of the same person, for which I apologise humbly – but I removed it as soon as I discovered my error. How manipulative can one person be?
I’m having time to reflect now, and kicking myself for not sharing this episode more quickly – the personal abuse, the abuse to my family, the humiliating Twitter comments when I posted a photo, a piece of music. There will be those of you who are revising your estimates of me as the brash, loud, devil-may-care person you know. But I am back, you know.
I have veered wildly in the past three days between extreme anger: anger at the person, but also anger at myself, and a sort of ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ where I feel sorry for that person. But then when I make a list of everything that was said and done to me, I can’t find it in myself to feel very sorry at all. I know they need help, and I most sincerely hope that they will seek that help and move on to live a happy life, very much as I hope to now that it’s all over.
Once again, my thanks to each and every one of you – I couldn’t have done it without knowing that you were all out there and would react in the way you did. Don’t forget, December 17 is Anti-bullying Day – speak out, write about it. I’ll be re-posting this entry as a reminder that even the most brash and loud people aren’t immune…
Gavin
Anna Pires Reply:
December 4th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
I think our community should do something on twitter/facebook/blogs to mark Anti-bullying Day!
Gavin Dudeney Reply:
December 4th, 2010 at 8:50 pm
Anna,
I think that’s a great idea – though there is one person who shouldn’t be allowed to join in…
Anna Pires Reply:
December 5th, 2010 at 3:22 am
I will be changing my profile pic to an anti-bullying badge that day. Hope others join in!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Gavin Dudeney, elma and Adam Simpson, Vicky Loras. Vicky Loras said: RT @dudeneyge An update on my #bullying post – a new comment from me (sorry!) – http://bit.ly/hOdIAj #cyberbullying [...]
Hi Gavin,
I’m very sorry to hear about your troubles, I hope everything works out well. Thnks for sharing.
All the best,
Kieran
Gavin
I was wondering why you’d disapppeared but thought you would have your reasons. I’m so sorry this was the reason.
I hope this does not permanently damage your trust to people. It doesn’t hurt to be cautious I know but don’t let this change you and our personality.
Big hug!! Lots of big hugs!
Sophie
I have read of your ordeal with alarm and some sadness at what you and those close to you have gone through. I personally had two bullying incidents in my Facebook group in the last year. One was directed at a friend of mine, interrupting a conversation I was having with my friend to post a death wish. The other (from a different person) was directed at me personally for everybody to read on their own page, and was quite insulting. I wasn’t directly named but I sat dumbfounded as I read it, as it was clearly directed at me, and all because I politely disagreed with something the person had said. My response in both cases was to withdraw my FB friendship and block the user immediately. Our paths in both cases have crossed on numerous occasions and relations are strained to say the least. So the consequences of the bullying live on and that, too, is sad.
[...] Gavin Dudeney’s Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened… [...]
Very sorry to hear of your nasty experiences Gavin – rest assured that you have the support of all your friends, fans and contacts in the ELT world, along with our admiration for being so open. We’re all behind you!
Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you make this stop.
Dear Gavin,
I’ve been mostly offline for the past few days and have only just settled down to read you post (that was recommended by so many others on Twitter).
I don’t think I can say anything more that hasn’t already been said more eloquently and completely by others above. I simply want to lend my support and sympathy for what you have been going through.
I’ve been struggling with privacy in a web 2.0 world for a little while now, and have wavered between just not worrying and then over-worrying and most shades of concern inbetween. There is a new reality out there, and maybe this calls for new rules or new mores.
Whatever the technology, though, as you are fond of saying, it’s just a tool. The behaviour you have been a victim of is age old and is (perhaps) enhanced by the current tech. The behaviour, regardless of the medium through which it is meted out, is unacceptable though. Well done on being brave, sensitive and intelligent in your post. I hope that your blackmailer relents.
Best wishes
Carl
[...] This week, Gavin wrote a disturbing blog post in which he admits that he’s been being harrassed online for quite some time. As I read through the post, it was chilling. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that this thing goes on. But for it to be this blatant and ongoing and happening to one of “our own” in our field, it hits close to home. I’m amazed at his bravery for being open about what’s been going on and also that he’s continuing on–such an experience could certainly make one wary of any social media whatsoever, which is a very important tool in our field. As of this morning (12.5.10), Gavin reported via Twitter that the post has netted “82 comments, 99 tweets, 234 DMs, 79 emails, 2237 unique views in four days.” This shows that I’m not the only one who thinks it’s hit close to home. To read the initial post and comments, go to Gavin’s That’sLife blog–http://slife.dudeney.com/?p=665 . [...]
Dear Gavin
I am lucky enough to have met you both virtually and F2F and I admire what you have done here, by going public. I also agree it was the wisest decision. Many parts of your story resonate with me and have touched my deepest fears about my online profile and my somehow second virtual life. I wish you the best of luck with the situation.
Gavin,
I’ve only just heard about this. I’m shocked like the hundreds of others who can’t believe this is happening to you. My fear is you will have laws to tackle in different countries. I hope that when this is all over, you can share the outcome, step by step, and how you went about resolving this terrible issue, legally. We have already learned so much from your post. Keep writing, Gavin. We’re all looking out for you.
Hi, Gavin – as you know, I have been away for the past two weeks for personal reasons. I’m just back at work [and with computer access] this morning, and I am happy to add my voice to the many voices of support for your post. You have clearly had a dreadful time, as has Laura, and also others….While taking the action you have cannot have been in any way easy, it is clearly the right thing to do – otherwise your post [and you!] would not be getting the overwhelming support from the wider community that it has.
I too hope that the individual concerned realises that this behaviour is unacceptable and also that they need to do some hard thinking about how they view the world. I do hope s/he can find it in themselves to stop – although as you still seem to have been receiving emails, this is perhaps unlikely.
Not much more to say, Gav – apart from well done for taking a stand, and wishing that this all stops soon.
Maureen
Gavin Dudeney Reply:
December 6th, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Maureen,
Thank you. I’d like to move on now, really…
In fact, since the day of the post when I got some emails, there has been no more contact. That’s all I ever wanted – no contact and no rumours. If that’s the way things are going to stay then I’m happy with that and I’d rather just look to the future and hope everyone else, including they, can
Dear Gavin,
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope your faith in open communication will soon be restored.
Chris
[...] Gavin Dudeney’s Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened… [...]
Someone wrote: “Can schools offer us any examples in the present situation?”
All I know is that nothing happens to stop bullying in schools without an involved administration. In the wider world, I suppose that would translate into police/politicians who don’t think bullying is a case of culling the weak or the good of the herd.
I hope anyone who has ever said anything remotely like “‘your words say ‘no’ but everything else says ‘yes”” reconsiders after reading this post. Women who say ‘no’ mean it just as much as Gavin did/does, and ignoring it/overriding it /hurts/.
Thanks for sharing, Gavin. I hope you won’t mind if I show this post to a student of mine who was recently suspended for lashing out at a bully…
Hi Gavin,
I would like to add my full support and sympathy, empathy to what you have been put through.
What a shocking account – I can’t imagine whay it must have been like before you decided to sit down and write about it. It must have taken a lot of courage, focus, time and energy to manage to get such a complete, detailed account down in words. I also can’t imagine having to produce a year’s archive on online activity – a nightmare.
I hope that your “bully” has a good read through your post and all the comments and has realized that this behaviour cannot and will not be tolerated. Well done for speaking out!
I am currently on one of the Consultant-e online courses and will share this with my group members. We all need to know about how serious cyber bullying can get and what we can do to defend ourselves.
Move on Gavin…such a brillinat mind shouldn’t dwell on those who aren’t worth it!
Sarah
Gavin,
I have just come across this post after seeing from a Twitter friend that it had been nominated for an award. It certainly deserves one. I would like to add my voice to the many expressions of support and appreciation above. We have come into contact a few times over the past three or four years, in various guises, and I have always admired and benefited from your knowledge and understanding of these new environments, and your willingness to share with others. You are one of the people who have helped me understand what an online community can be.
However in these circumstances all that is irrelevant. No-one should have to put up with what has been thrown at you. Thank you for not putting up with it.
Michael
Hi Gavin
I’ve not read blogs for a bit, and just found this. Although you’ve said it now seems to be resolving itself, I’d like to offer my sincere empathy. Bullying of any kind is a despicable way to treat fellow human beings and I’ve found that the recovery can be slow and painful also. I’m still very wary of anything I write or say and it will take some time to expect that your words won’t be twisted and used against you.
Thank you for being brave enough to write this post, and wishing you all the best. Keep your head held high!
I’m sorry for not sending a message sooner Gavin, but I just want you to know I consider you a GOOD friend of mine and a good friend I know to be incapable of any deliberate harm, confusion or empty promises. I know you as an honest, open and incredibly generous person. It is tragic that this bully of yours is so without insight and so full of delusion. It is very brave of you to share this with us all – you have my total support.
Gavin,
As you say time to look forward and get back to your normal life. I can only offer my support and friendship in any way I can, onwards and upwards.
Big hug,
Gerard
[...] Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened… [...]
Gavin,
You are very brave and you have my support. I was bullied in school as a child, but never like this. The internet has changed it to a different level. I sincerely hope for positive and speedy resolution.
Tyson
[...] Gavin Dudeney’s Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened… [...]
Thanks Gavin for sharing this. We all think that cyberbulling is something that affects teenagers, and we are too often “careless” (or should I confident and trustful) in our online conversation. Unluckily, it is not, as you are demonstrating here.
There are people who are considered leagally adult but are not psicologically mature and can turn our life in hell. I hope this nightmare will come soon to an end.
[...] experience of cyberbullying which was a real eye-opener. If you haven’t read his blog post about his recent experiences, you need to do so immediately. It just goes to show that we are all [...]
Hi there!
I don’t know you personally but I have attended some of your seminars and ?’d like to be a part of the group and once again state my sympathy related what you have gone through.It was a very distressing event and it was very informative for all of us to know about cyberbullying which I couldnt have the slightest idea about if it wasnt for what I read here with total astonishment and disgust.I believe it is so brave of you to share your private experience with us all.Once again I wish you luck and ? wish all of us luck as it seems now we need to doublecheck what we are writing on the net as it seems to be that every word that we write might result in a simmillar unfortunate case ….best of luck! gita
[...] Bullied, Blackmailed, Defamed, Threatened… [...]